Death to Green
by Mg
Summary: [complete]This is a short story about...well, read it and find out. Its funny. Thats all I'll say
1. Chapter 1

"You ever wondered what it would be like right on top of this very counter?" His words were unheard; I was lost in my own little world. I know he was just saying that to get my attention, though I would be happy to oblige anyway. I sigh. I should be paying attention to other matters, mainly him----but it was so hard when I was being blinded by some very obvious factors, especially if those factors were staring me hard in the face and basically screaming out loud to be heard. The only thing I could think of to describe this undeniable thing was the phrase 'so loud I could hear it comin' down the street.'

Wait, I'm sorry, you probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about, or who I am for that matter. Well, my name is Chiba Tsukino Usagi and I am referring to my husband's god forsaken ugly bright lime green blazer.

It's funny how you go into a marriage starting off with a big fat lie; you know what I'm talking about. The one where you internally agree that when you marry your soul mate that you are taking them just as they are, weird habits and all. I regret that before the wedding that I didn't force him to sign a contract saying he would get rid of the ugly thing, but I digress. Funny thing is, I wouldn't care if my Mamo-chan suddenly came and told me he was a bank robber, or even that he was really a Nega-verse spy. Heck, my only comment would be, 'as long as you don't take that ugly green jacket with you'!

But in any matter, here I was, sharing a nice hot fudge sundae with chocolate syrup in Motoki-sans's parlor, when as usual my eyes focused on plans to get rid of the horrid beast that looked like it belonged to 'Swamp Thing'. Of course, like I said, I wasn't paying attention, and was caught off guard when Mamo-chan gripped my hand and exclaimed.

"Usa!" When I focused on what I was doing, I realized that I had unknowingly been feeding his jacket the ice cream sundae instead of my beloved Mamo-chan, whip cream, cherries, and nuts were now dripping down the collar. "Jeez, now I'll have to take it to the cleaners!" I really wasn't listening any more, more like, plotting. It would be the first time in a couple of months that my Mamo-chan and his vile creature like clothing would be separated.

It was now, or never.

"Why don't you let me take it for you sweetheart." I smile sweetly, putting on years of experienced charm.

"Oh no, you'll use this as an excuse to get rid of my jacket----you think I'm stupid?" Drat! That's the bad thing about being married; your old tricks don't fly by any more. I remember when I tried to use holding back sex as a way to get him to get rid of the disgusting thing; of course, I failed to remember how sexy and very irresistible my Mamo-chan is. Before I tell you how that ended, let me just say that my muffin is very stubborn about getting rid of the ghastly covering. To prove that my little ploy wouldn't work, can you believe that this man paraded around our humble abode naked for two days before I finally just gave in a jumped him? But you need to understand my predicament. I mean, can you imagine; you're sitting at home, minding your own business, dinner set and ready at the table, waiting for your beloved to come home. When he does, like normal, he greets you with a long passionate kiss on the lips, like normal, he removes his coat, and like normal, he removes his shoes. But that's the thing, that's where most normal people stop. But nooo----my sexy little Mamo-chan removes his shirt, pants, and boxers, right at the door! I just stood there shocked when he did it the first time. And can you believe he had the nerve to go and sit at the dinner table like nothing was wrong? Unbelievable. But like I said, in the end, I jumped him. When I say jumped him, I mean 'jumped' him. Sigh. That was our first time on the kitchen counter...stove...kitchen sink...table----What! I told you I jumped him! And don't look at me with those admonishing eyes; I'm married!

In any matter, I'll just have to do this the hard way. Who's going to miss one insignificant Dry Cleaners anyway? Don't worry; when I become queen, I'll make sure to pay whomever back for the damages. Speaking of queen, sometimes I wonder if this whole green jacket thing was some evil plot of Beryl to make my life miserable and have the last words even in death. If so, I'll bet she's laughin' her ass off. Wonder if the star locket's music will cure this one? Hmmm...

"Usagi." A stern voice interrupts my thoughts. Oops. Did I forget that I was still sitting here with my beloved?

"Yeah baby?"

"You've got that look on your face."

"What look?" Innocence is a killer.

"That same look you had before we went for boat ride in the park and before you attempted to loose my jacket in the lake." He replied knowingly. Must I curse again? Damn that man! Damn him I say! Must he know me so well?

"Let's go home Mamo-chan." I replied alluringly, ignoring his comment. That was one really good thing about married life; all you had to do was promise sex and you could get your husband to forget about whatever he had just been talking about. Not that I didn't want to; I'm no fool. Like I said before, my baby is a very sexy man no doubt, and plus, we were still in the honeymoon stage where everything was still so new and anything was probable excuse to go home. Heck, we barely went anywhere without coming back in an hour to our bedroom. So like clockwork, he replied.

"Check please!"

I lay awake that night, knowing that my husband has successfully tired himself out worth fifty good night sleeps. Not that I wasn't tired myself, but I was so adamant about my goal this time, that I couldn't allow myself to rest.

That was another thing, this hadn't been the first time that I had sabotaged Mamo-chan's vile monstrosity either intentionally, or non-intentionally. Each time it happened, which was about every couple of months, my muffin would take it to the dry cleaners. That night, the sex was always the best. Obviously, my very stubborn and sexy boy toy was trying to tire me out to the point in which just thinking about going down to the dry cleaners to pick up and destroy his jacket would make me tired. Let's just say it worked every time...but there was something about this night...

I quietly slip out of the bed, making sure not stir to him and not to leave before appreciating Mamo-chan's body of course, and walk into the hallway, closing the door behind me. I sigh audibly as I pull something out of thin air, my disguise pen. Gosh, I'm tired...when that man sets himself a goal, he definitely sets himself a goal...but I guess he wasn't planning on my determination being so great this time...but I can barely lift the pen in the air.

"Disguise pen." I whisper jadedly to it as I hold it up. "Dress me up in leather like Tom Cruise from Mission Impossible." Within seconds a warm glow fills me, the glare lighting up the room before fading away once more. I smile inwardly as I look at my getup. Black tight leather pants with form fitting long sleeve black leather top to match. My hair is now short and kept in place by a black bandana. "Let Operation Destroy That Ugly Jacket, commence!" I crack my leather-clad knuckles and smile wickedly as I pick up my communicator.

"Orange bird are you there? Orange bird?"

"Check Green Hater." The sound of Minako's voice filtered through.

"Okay, meet at the knowledge tower of terror check point. Copy that Orange bird?"

"Knowledge terror?"

"For crimes sake Minako, the school!"

"Okay, let's go over this one more time." I began as I paced back and forth.

"What is our goal?"

"Destroy Mamoru-san's Swamp Thing Jacket!" Minako brought her hand to her forehead in salute.

"And how do we plan on doing this?"

"By breaking into the----eh…um." I slapped my hand to my forehead.

"By blowing up the cleaners baka!" I exclaim.

"Yes sir-eh…ma'am." Sigh.

"Okay…let's get to it, we have 6 hours before the Master awakens and 5 hours, 35 minutes, and----15 seconds before the manager comes to prepare the store." She began. "Now, there's a security guard that is paid to check the place at exactly 4:05…be on your guard----oh, and there is a police car that circles the area exactly every 33 minutes and 22 seconds…okay, synchronize watches…" I waited for Minako to hold up her watch. "Now."

"May O. D. T. U. J. begin."


	2. Chapter 2

"Duhn duhn dihn dihn duh duh denh denh duhn duhn dihn dihn duh duh denh denh…benenna…benenna…benenna…dunna…ben-"

"Orange bird will you shut up?" I whisper harshly as the sound of Minako singing the theme song to Mission Impossible filtered through my walkie-talkie.

"Sorry Green Hater, I was trying to get into the role." I heard her reply.

"Whatever, listen are you on location?"

"Currently on position…the guard dog is scheduled to arrive in 33.3 seconds…I have the package and leash ready." _At least she's on point_. "By the way, why can't I be look out, I'm not the one on a mission here."

"Orange bird we've already discussed this, I have my reasons now hurry up!" _It's so hard to get good help these days._

"Fine, fine." _I listen as she drawls before holding back up my Luna-er…dsiguise pen. _"Disguise pen, make me look like a security guard that guards this dry cleaners!" In a whirl of light I am transformed downed to my black police boots. I just hope that Minako is doing her side of the job.

Minako watched as the dog came running out of a small doggie door located within the back door of the dry cleaners, it's mouth full of dripping saliva as it barked and growled at her.

"Nice doggie…good doggie." She reached into her pocket and pulled out some sausage links. "Look boy, look what I got." The dog sniffed the air. "You want this don't you? Don't you boy?" The dog reluctantly came closer. "Come here boy, here boy…come an get it." When it came in reach she hooked one end of the leash around his collar and threw the links hard through the doggie door and back into the store. "Go get it boy!" She held on tight to the end of the leash as the dog went back into the store and dragged her swiftly through the small shaft to the other side within the store.

Usagi rocked back and forth on her feet and whistled as she stood guard outside waiting for the guard to park his car. She could tell just by looking that he was surprised to see her there. She only hoped that when he reached she would be able to keep it cool long enough for him leave again. She swallowed hard when he finally was in speaking distance, his brown hair ruffled beneath his hat.

"I wasn't made aware of any other guard detail tonight." He replied.

"Well sir, actually…this was a last minute thing…yeah…" She racked her brains hard for an excuse. "The owner decided at the last minute that she wanted a guard to stand watch for the complete night."

"I see…you have the key to the establishment in case anything goes wrong…eh-"

"Moon…Serenity Moon." She replied quickly.

"Ms. Moon?"

"No sir…I was not given a key…do you have one that you can give me?" She smiled as the man began to fish through his pockets.

"Sure I do ma'am." He replied as he began to dig through his pockets.

Minako sighed as she continued to fish through the many hanging bags that contained various articles of clothing. One of them had to have Mamoru's jacket inside.

Usagi watched as he pulled out a spoon, a fish hook, some tape, toilet paper, pencil, pen, flowers…he dug deeper.

"I know they're in there somewhere ma'am."

"I can't see a darn thing, where's the lights around here?" She almost jumped when she heard a light tap on the floor. She turned around; after seeing nothing, she shrugged her shoulders. "Well, Minako, you need light, you make light." She pointed her finger towards the roof. "Venus '5 small' love me chain." She whispered, smiling broadly as a luminescent chain of gold hearts sprang from her fingers and served as a flashlight.

Some keyboard keys, a rope, a penlight…

This guy must have some long pockets. She thought as she watched him dig even further, bending over so he could reach the bottom. 

A CD, bag of cookies…

"Let me hold that for you." She replied, snatching the bag before he could throw it to the floor with the rest of the stuff.

Minako looked at her watch, they had about ten minutes to finish this before the police car came to circle the neighborhood. Her eyes skimmed over the end of the rack when she saw it.

"Bingo."

A Brush, a comb, deodorant, lotion, a donut…

Usagi crunched happily on the cookies as he finally stood up to face her.

"I think it must be in the other pocket, hold on let me check."

Minako was about to reach for the jacket when she felt someone suddenly grab her from behind and cover her mouth.

"I don't think so." A voice muttered as her temporary 'flashlight' went out causing her to have to struggle against them in the darkness.

A Sailor V video game, a computer disk, a plastic fork, a deflated balloon, a bottle of pills…

Minako kicked and screamed as she was quickly placed in a chair and tied down with tape over her mouth. Her eyes narrowed when she recognized her assailant.

Usagi sighed as he dug further into his pocket, this was taking way too long. He bent down even further like last time, except this time she noticed a strange streak of blond hiding beneath the brown curls. With lightening quickness she snatched his hat away and watched as a brown wig fell to the floor.

"Motoki!" She cried out in hushed alarm. He smiled sheepishly. "That must mean" Without think she made a mad dash for the back of the building with him not far behind. Looking up she could see the open window where someone else must have scaled the building and got in. She jumped quickly, caught the edge of the pane and almost threw herself in.

Minako squeaked from were she was seated as she watched Usagi tumble inside through an open window, almost immediately getting into stealth mode and crouching near to the ground.

"I wouldn't move any further, if I were you." She heard the sound of the switch followed by the room filling with light. Her eyes focused on where Minako was sitting down tied to a chair. Her eyes narrowed as she focused on her opponent. "So we meet again, green hater." Her opponent smiled evilly.

"Bite me, cape boy." She replied as she looked towards where Minako was gesturing towards something with her eyes.

"Didn't think that I was on to your plan did you?" He titled his head back and cackled. Usagi followed Minako's line of vision when she saw it and smiled. "Bwahahaha! You shall never have-" His mouth fell open as he watched her run jump and pull the jacket from the metal rack on the other side of them.

"Now who has the last word, cape boy?" She smiled as she tore through the plastic garment wrapping and held a knife teasingly at one of the buttons. "Untie orange bird."

"Uh-uh-uh. I still have an ace up my sleeve green girl." He replied. "Nosy Blond Boy, through me the secret weapon!" He smiled as a huge white soft object flew through the window; he caught it easily.

"Noooooooo!" Usagi shrieked. "Mamo-chan you wouldn't!" She screamed.

"That's right babe, make one destructive move on that jacket and Mr. Floppy gets it." He replied as he brought a knife to the huge white stuffed bunny's neck.

"That is cruel Mamo-chan, real cruel." She whispered evenly.

"Life is full of cruelties…" He replied as pointed to where she held a knife close to the sleeve of his green blazer.

"Hey guys, as much as I enjoy this little ploy and all…there's a cop coming." Motoki intercepted.

"Quick, give me the bunny!"

"Give me the jacket!"

"Maerjmmthgfhuyimsdgmbs!" Minako squealed, rocking the chair back and forth.

"We switch on three okay?"

"Fine."

"One."

"Two."

"Three." Both faked a throw and then glared at the other with narrowed eyes.

"Okay, we obviously won't settle this here, we'll take it home. Deal?" Usagi narrowed her eyes before nodding her head while clutching the jacket.

"Deal."

"Untie her nosy blond boy." Mamoru replied, motioning towards Minako.

"You know, I never agreed to that name." He grumbled, muttering explicatives as he moved to untie her.

When we got home we ended up calling a truce, neither of us were willing to concede and let go of our bargaining chip. So we held tight to our treasures and made a pact that we could both hide our precious chips from each other without the other looking. Granted, that didn't keep me from plotting. In fact, I am very proud to say that it only took me three days later to crack him. I was that determined. In fact, he conceded to not wearing the jacket of his own free will. How did I do it you ask? I hit him with a double whammy. First, I bought similar jackets for male customers who frequented the Crown Arcade and paid them to wear them every time Mamo-chan was stopping by; cause they would never unless paid ever concede to such a disgusting fate. Considering that Mamo-chan stops by there everyday for lunch when he's working, it made it rather easy. I could tell he was irritated whenever he came home. Would you believe my husband expected me to comfort him with sex because he was feeling less special and unique? Unbelievable. Here I grin evilly; cause I was on a strike. I know what you're thinking, it didn't work last time. Ha, but this time, I walked around naked! Let's just say he cracked a lot faster and harder than I did. Suffice to say, it was our first time against the fridge...kitchen cabinets...front door...coffee table...bathroom sink...balcony doors...television (don't ask)...dresser...well...lets just say that our whole house is blessed now...watch your step!


End file.
